I haven't taken the time to sit here and write. I guess I haven't had much "me" time. But I have been collecting thoughts, words and memories in my brain. I just hope I have enough memory space and be able to put the pieces back together so I can write them down properly.
The one vivid thought I had which kept re-occuring this morning (on my way to work, even at work!) was a vision of a man who ran towards me, stabbed my chest, just enough so he can stick his hand inside and ripped my heart out and ran with it. He ran so fast, yet I can see him holding my heart clearly, it was red, brutal red, and it slipped out of his hand. My heart fell down to the pavement but he kept on running, he mustn't have realized! I just watched my heart from a distance, still pumping. Refusing to give up. That was my heart.
What a vision. It reminded me of Anne Rice's novel "Queen of the damned" where Queen Akasha would viciously rip open a human's heart and just hold it in her hand for the sake of it. She would let the beating heart rest on her hand. She loves the idea of it. Sick, lonely vampire. She would chew it up eventually, I don't think she enjoyed the taste of it much, it was simply the satisfaction of being able to control humans lives. She was in control. She dominated those poor humans. Ok, enough Anne Rice talk. I can go for hours.
I don't know why I had the vision. All I can gather is that my heart has taken a beating yet I refuse to give in to desperation and surrender to heartache. Life really is how I make it. I choose to surrender to misery and drown in a pool of sadness and drama I exaggerated in my head. Now I say NO! I choose HAPPINESS. I choose to take the path to success and kick off my bad habit of relying on something/someone to try to be happy. I am a drama queen. But it is time to grow up.
This is a writing I wrote when I was listening to Kanye West & Jay Z's song "No Church in the Wild"
My tears washed my face clean but my hands are still dirty
I wanted to get rid of the fear of being alone, how I was addicted to pain
He didn't need to bring his shadow, it only brought me doubt and sorrow
I wish I could untangle the mess, but everytime I tried, I failed again and again
I refused to believe I was unable to work it out, ah to hell with it
I let my mind wander to a happy state, and there it lies, in the back of my head
Brad, my hope, my escape travel. I like pressing rewind but I end up in circles
This is a vicious cycle. I'm bestfriends with imagination and fairytales
The end could not have been furthest from the truth I am about to spill
A new white piece of paper has been laid out and I have all the crayons
I'm hungry for the new feeling of desire, my lover, I will draw love hearts
I carry all the colors, I promise myself to carve your name in hot pink
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