Darling, leave a hair strand in the diary

I just thought of writing the feeling of wanting someone so bad. (Well, according to me!)

I want you. I want you so bad. My dear, I'm useless.

I weep by the bedside table and pity myself to sleep.

My eyes will bleed for you, over and over again.

I will sit in the corner with my head resting on my knees.

Bangin' my head seems like a clever distraction

Oh, this pain won't go away, paint the walls red

I stab the air with endless desire for you at night

How I wish you could touch my fingernails

The day won't leave without poking fun at me

Miserable is on my right side and sadness is on my left

I am lost, I am petrified, I am covered in tears

My darling, next time leave a hair strand in the diary before you leave.

Brad Part 1

This writing is dedicated to one of the most beautiful men I've ever met in my life.

Thank you for being such a loving person, I don't think anyone can replace him, I hope someone will.

I think of him, endlessly. I never grew tiresome thinking of what could have been had I said yes.

My, have I come along way from back in the days when I was always crying, Thank God those days are well and truly over. Now I smile every once in a while.

I may never find someone like him again but that is ok, I can say I've loved someone before and it was beautiful. I can still remember everything clearly, from the way he smiled at me, looked at me, called me pretty and adored me.

For once, I was content. I had everything, for I had him, and that was all I really wanted.

Perfection is him. I am thankful for that. I hope he is doing well, and I hope he still thinks of me sometimes, perhaps even write about me.

He is beautiful, I want to let him know that I gave him everything and I would go through it again if I could.

I write my thoughts of him. always.

Fountain at Place des Vosges

I remember wandering around aimlessly in Paris during my European holiday this year and what really caught my attention during my 8 day stay there was the beautiful fountains they have. Back in the day, fountains were served as drinking water but now they serve as tourist attractions and symbolic features of the city.

One fine morning I decided to bring my pashmina, my notebook and pen and was on a mission to write next to any of those beautiful fountains.

Oh, the joy when I found a gorgeous fountain when I was walking around near Bastille station, I am pretty sure I was in the Marais district.

The place consisted of 4 fountains, each with 2 stone circular basins, it was surrounded by a gorgeous garden and a Pavillion.

Anyway, I laid my pashmina on the grass and thought "God, this is unreal!!"

The cool wind breeze, the peaceful silence, the smell of damp grass, the sight of lions' head spouting water into the circular basin was enough to make me feel like I was in heaven! (yes that's my vision of heaven!)

Ok, I got carried away there, I will dedicate a post solely for fountains in Paris in the near future.

My head was full of random words so I tried my best to put all the words into sentences and came up with this writing which is yet to have a title, enjoy!

There is silence in the hallway

I can picture a Mesopotamian statue of desire, lust and love

Frail, like pebbles in Jardin du Luxembourg

I'm half in love with a shadow

I will try to capture the tickling wind

How dare he tear my heart apart

Cold as amber place on my cheek

Drawings of Las Ramblas tire me

Swan shaped murano glass stare at me

I am passionate behind locked doors

I feel naked, spare me a blanket

I bet the heavens are laughing at my foolishness

Maybe I am a sad case with no skin left to shed

A simple gesture is a kind miracle

The clear blue sky knows me by name

Perhaps all I want is one colour

She Cries

I was cleaning my room, well lo and behold I found 4 diaries, each contained pieces of my mind dating back to 1999! Oh, such a angry little girl I was back in the day!

I think the phases go something like this:

1999-2001 = Angry little emo girl. High school problems equate to the end of the world (at that time). The hatred in me was enormous, looking back now, there really was NOTHING for me to be angry of, I just loved the explosion of feelings.

2002-2004 = Obsessed and fragile girl who was looking for something or someone to hang on to. By obsessed, I mean obsessed with men, bands, men in bands, or simply men in general. I think I relied too much on other people to make me happy. I couldn't find happiness within me, it had to be from other people and other places. Not content.

2005-2007 = Sad and confused girl. It's the "OMG, I really am growing up" stage in my life. I would also call it my experimental stage in life. I would not change a thing because all the demons I had to fight made my life so colourful, like a pretty rainbow...boy do I have stories for my grandchildren!

2008- to date = The back from the dead girl. My life has done a total 360 and I am in a different place. I wouldn't say happiest, but I am definitely building the foundation to happiness. Nothing will get in my way. This is me at my most selfish stage.

Anyhow...I've decided to post another writing dating back 27/06/2006 which I named "She Cries". I remember this one clearly, it was after a nice date with my then bf and we had to say our goodbyes at the train station (oh how romantic!)

The sadness to leave after such a lovely time together was carved on his face as I turn around for that last glimpse. It was enough to make this writing.

The last train will leave soon and she tries to remain calm.

A few seconds later, tears run down her cheeks,

She can't contain her feelings anymore, so let it out.

She looks at him hoping he would change his very mind.

Silence greets her as he stares with passion, so awkward.

He plants a kiss on her forehead and hopes she will be strong.

But she is far too weak, she cries again and again.

He doesn't look back, she admires him and wishes he could see

She isn't ready to let him go, yet he slowly fades away

"Stop crying!!" she tells herself, while holding back tears

Nothingness awaits her back home when she returns

No spark in her heart, just clouds above her eyes

She cries..she cries..she cries..she cries..

This Life

Created 05/11/2006.

This life. To become nothing is easy.

To question life is another matter.

Stand there and look up to the sky.

Beautiful? Cloudy? A bit gray perhaps

Uncertainty is a snake that bites deep

Wave at the truck driver, see if he cares

Restless takes over and soon vanishes

How quick can you melt may I ask?

Sweet people around yet I remain sour

This life squeezes the good in me

And I turn into a laying piece of meat

Even my cat can play better tricks

A Visit to the Past

Oh, wow! It has officially been over 4 years since I last wrote on this blog. I can't believe I have neglected writing online for soo long!

I am back, or at least for now. I never stopped writing. If I could write on the walls at work, I would, but sadly I would have to pay up and I am in no situation to be spending anymore.

My aim is to officially stamp my name, yes "auroraerika" on every site or blog I could find.

The reason: Well, no reason really. Just thought it would be a good idea to do so. It would be a much harder job if my name was "johnsmith" because there would be at least 20 people with that name in a suburb.

I continued writing on myspace and I will try to find a way to import all of my posts on to this blog.

In the meantime, I shall continue to write... :)