Tangled

Life has a strange way of teaching me to grow up. Mom has always said to me "You are my daughter who unfortunately has to hit rock bottom first before bouncing back up strong" . I obviously don't do things half-assed. Never have and never will.

My job is a perfect example. I am passionate about what I do and I am ambitious. I never dreamed of being a housewife. Never underestimate the power of a woman!

Haunting lyrics

I want to share the video and lyrics to one of my favorite Indonesian bands called "Peterpan". This song is about a disappointed man over his cheating girlfriend. He wants to watch her suffer. Don't we all if we have a cheating partner?

I didn't translate these myself, I have http://peterpan.awardspace.com/ to thank for the lyrics.

Behind me

You embrace me before you kill me

You smile as you watch me watching you

You're waiting for me to fall

Each step is aimed, faithful in my contemplation

I'm (waiting for you) x3 to die

In front of me, in front of me, in front of me

You embrace me before you kill me

You smile as you watch me watching you

I'm (waiting for you) x3 to die

In front of me, in front of me, in front of me

What are you doing behind my back

Why don't you show me

What are you doing behind my back

Behind my back 3x

Behind my back

I'm (waiting for you) x3 to die

In front of me, in front of me, in front of me

The actual lyrics to the song

Di Belakangku

Kau peluk aku sebelum membunuhku

Tersenyum melihatku merenung melihatmu

Kau menungguku menunggu ku terjatuh

Setiap langkah tertuju setia dalam renungku

Aku menunggumu menunggumu menunggumu mati

Didepanku didepanku didepanku

Kau peluk aku sebelum membunuhku

Tersenyum melihatku merenung melihatmu

Aku menunggumu menunggumu menunggumu mati

Didepanku didepanku didepanku

Apa yang kau lakukan dibelakangku

Mengapa tak kau tunjukkan dihadapanku

Apa yang kau lakukan dibelakangku

Dibelakangku dibelakangku dibelakangku?.

Dibelakangku

Aku menunggumu menunggumu menunggumu mati

Didepanku didepanku didepanku

I remain alone

Once again I'm back to square one. To me, being alone is the most comfortable place I have ever been. I can't say it's the most enjoyable place but it is safe to say it is the place where I am able to excel, able to focus and able to achieve SOME of my goals in life. Can I say I'm ambitious? Most definitely.

I won't go without a fight, unless of course I enter a battle I cannot possibly win, but then again, who can predict the outcome? I, for one, have famously failed over and over again. What I have yet to lose is my spirit to fight.

What am I talking about? I'm talking about life. My life, to be specific. My life consist of mainly heartaches and despair lately. Then again, my life also consist of the joy of being a winner in other aspects, such as the successes I've achieved in my job, the great relationships I've built with my peers, not to mention the fact I am officially a proud owner of an apartment. Free of mortgage. Yes, I am officially a free person!

Then again, what is it about a broken heart that consumes almost entirely my thoughts? It runs deep into my veins and I fall helplessly in tears wondering what it is I must do to conquer my hungry thirst for love. Truth is, I don't even know how to conquer love and this makes an interesting and impossible challenge. Numerous methods have been tried and tested, but the result remains the same.

I remain alone. I must admit, there are times where I am envious of those committed in a loving relationship and secretly wishing I had someone I can call my partner.

I have gone through various ways to deal with my heartaches. First comes the tears, then comes the self blame...a few short moments later comes self-pity. Ahhh...good ol' self-pity. This is not good for the soul. It eats you alive in your dreams. Trust me, I've gone through it sooo many times. I cry myself to sleep thinking why I'm not sufficient for a man. For most of it, I blame my personality, such as perhaps I'm not wifey material. Perhaps the fact I am unable to cook is the sole reason I am unable to sustain a man in my life. Foolish, when I look back now.

The other ways I've tried to deal with my heartaches is to fight back, or pretend to fight back I shall say. Who am I kidding? the dude's gone. He won't actually care if I've had my hair colored 2 shades lighter!

He most definitely won't care if I've done 100 squats a day and now have buns of steel.

I didn't win his heart, did I? NO! So...the fight doesn't last long..I tend to fall back to my trusty pillow and weep. Oh tears, what would I do without you?

Now I succumb to my heartaches and pray that time will sweep them all away. They do vanish..eventually. It's just a battle between my brain to stay as functional as possible at work and amongst my friends and my heart to stay where it belongs and accept the fact that I am yet to conquer love. Yes, til then I remain alone.

In a crowd..I remain alone

Berlin, Germany.

I will move to Berlin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is all.

7 months has passed...

7 months has passed. I curse the day I met him. I'm not angry. I'm merely disappointed as to what I've become. A recluse. A loner. A sad soldier of the night. Parading my tears to my pillow sheets. How pathetic. Yes, pathetic. So be it. At least I admit it. To myself. Im doing a bloody good job of getting rid of my friends. Or perhaps they were never my friends?? Who the hell knows. Who cares?

My dear, you blocked the sunshine now all  I see is darkness
I can't see anything at all, you ripped my eyeballs out for you to keep
My dear, there is nothing left of me apart from emptiness
I can't feel anything at all, I don't even have my eyes left to weep

Shame on you? No, shame on me for being a patriot of love
The burning desire to love and be loved left nothing but a hole
Oh, look around me. Everyone else is doing it. They call it love
Truth of the matter is, it takes everything from you, even your soul

I hope one day I can continue my journey and re-ignite the passion I once had to search for what they call love.

Til then, fuck him and his words. My God is Great. May God's love be with him. I forgive. Soon I hope I will forget. I want to forget. I have forgiven. Now it's time to forget.