I remain alone

Once again I'm back to square one. To me, being alone is the most comfortable place I have ever been. I can't say it's the most enjoyable place but it is safe to say it is the place where I am able to excel, able to focus and able to achieve SOME of my goals in life. Can I say I'm ambitious? Most definitely.

I won't go without a fight, unless of course I enter a battle I cannot possibly win, but then again, who can predict the outcome? I, for one, have famously failed over and over again. What I have yet to lose is my spirit to fight.

What am I talking about? I'm talking about life. My life, to be specific. My life consist of mainly heartaches and despair lately. Then again, my life also consist of the joy of being a winner in other aspects, such as the successes I've achieved in my job, the great relationships I've built with my peers, not to mention the fact I am officially a proud owner of an apartment. Free of mortgage. Yes, I am officially a free person!

Then again, what is it about a broken heart that consumes almost entirely my thoughts? It runs deep into my veins and I fall helplessly in tears wondering what it is I must do to conquer my hungry thirst for love. Truth is, I don't even know how to conquer love and this makes an interesting and impossible challenge. Numerous methods have been tried and tested, but the result remains the same.

I remain alone. I must admit, there are times where I am envious of those committed in a loving relationship and secretly wishing I had someone I can call my partner.

I have gone through various ways to deal with my heartaches. First comes the tears, then comes the self blame...a few short moments later comes self-pity. Ahhh...good ol' self-pity. This is not good for the soul. It eats you alive in your dreams. Trust me, I've gone through it sooo many times. I cry myself to sleep thinking why I'm not sufficient for a man. For most of it, I blame my personality, such as perhaps I'm not wifey material. Perhaps the fact I am unable to cook is the sole reason I am unable to sustain a man in my life. Foolish, when I look back now.

The other ways I've tried to deal with my heartaches is to fight back, or pretend to fight back I shall say. Who am I kidding? the dude's gone. He won't actually care if I've had my hair colored 2 shades lighter!

He most definitely won't care if I've done 100 squats a day and now have buns of steel.

I didn't win his heart, did I? NO! So...the fight doesn't last long..I tend to fall back to my trusty pillow and weep. Oh tears, what would I do without you?

Now I succumb to my heartaches and pray that time will sweep them all away. They do vanish..eventually. It's just a battle between my brain to stay as functional as possible at work and amongst my friends and my heart to stay where it belongs and accept the fact that I am yet to conquer love. Yes, til then I remain alone.

In a crowd..I remain alone