Brad Part 4

Honey, from here to despair, I wait for your return.

In Graca I danced and twirled, only for you

Didn't you know the trees begged on their knees

They hope someday you could crawl your way back

I sit and wait in misery, I sit there patiently

How I wish you could see what I see

A heaven I want to share with only you

I pray one day our worlds will collide

I still fold napkins for you everyday

I must admit you still cut my deepest dreams

In Graca, I curled up to forgiving leaves

We chant and resist to give up faith

Brad Part 3

Finally, another writing of mine, another one dedicated to him.

Everything still reminds me of you...

A stranger's back never looked so familiar

I must confess you still have my heart

One day I will try to get it back

You never betrayed me, no, you held my hand

Your blue eyes were honest, I was not

Perhaps I'm paying the price for infidelity

I just want the curse to be over

I don't want to be afraid anymore

I need a heart, better yet I need your heart

Come lay with me, hold me close

My love, my journey won't be complete without you

Brad Part 2

You drove. I hugged my pillow tight.

You came. I snuggled back to bed.

You begged. I switched my phone off.

You left. I smacked myself in the head.

How I wish I could turn back time, just to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.

I was scared. I was guilty. I was confused.

My love,

this is painful, it hurts so bad, I cannot breathe

I carve your name on my left arm, carved it deep

My eyes have burnt to ashes, all I see is black.

Red walls.

My heart is faint.

I fell deep. I fell hard.

I disappear.

I space out

I have a tendency to space out when I'm driving, yes, it is very bad as obviously, you are meant to be focused when you are on the road, but heck, I can't help it, this tendency pops outta nowhere.

2 days ago, as I was driving home from work, I had this vision of a guy offering me his kidney which he conveniently placed on his left hand for me to grab, and in that moment I suddenly started drawing an image of a kidney with my right hand (yes, my hands were meant to be on the steering wheel) . I really didn't know why I did that, anyways, the vision disappeared and my right hand returned to the steering wheel. It was a red light. I stopped. I had words in my head I needed to spill.

I was hungry for substance, you offered me your kidney

I wanted a way out, you volunteered to draw some blood

Little drops of faith leaked, you passed me a handkerchief

I climbed up to find God, you reached out to catch me

I guess the point of the writing above is that in that moment I spaced out, I lost grip of the steering wheel and sadly, lost my faith in life. For a split second, I pictured a man willing to give his kidney away to restore another person's life (in this case, MY LIFE).

My instant reaction was "Why???" "Why would you do such a thing? this life teaches people to be a bastard, people are unworthy of such help! Let them have kidney failures!"

But then, fast forward another split second, and my hands were back on the wheel and my faith in life has been restored for reasons unknown. Maybe I needed that kidney.

Lonely

Every once in awhile, I get loneliness creeping in and slowly wrap its cold arms around me. I know it's normal to feel that way, especially when I'm single and don't have a steady person I can call up to warm my bed, so to speak.

I do, however have my friends to thank when loneliness decides to drop by and check in on me, I am so lucky to have them, but having said that I also know that I can't always rely on them, they have their own problems to deal with, so I don't expect them to always be there for me when I'm feeling low.

I realized that eventually I just have to deal with it, at the end of the day I am all alone.

I made this writing on the 22nd of July 2008. I obviously was feeling very lonely and vulnerable. I was going through some hard times maintaining friendships and relationships.

I was at that stage where I felt my friends were judging ME for being who I am, judging my life decisions, and criticizing everything about ME. Perhaps they wanted the old ME back.

But I did what I did, and I never looked back. My decisions made me who I am now and I actually have my so-called friends to thank for their criticism and judgement for it planted a brick somewhere in my body and made me a thicker person. They can slap me once but I will make sure I keep their pinky finger :)

This particular writing style I would say is very commercial, you can almost make it a poppy love song (lets pray it gets to the Top 40 chart!). I used simple writing because I simply wanted a simple life. I had enough of other people judging me, at times I question myself for allowing their judgement get to me. Hmm...something to write about later!

Come closer, I just want to rest on your chest for a while

Nothing serious, I think I'm feeling a bit vulnerable right now

If I ask you to hold my hand please don't say no

I think I might need you to help me out this time around

I say I don't need you but maybe I lied just a little bit

I thought I wouldn't think of you but I thought wrong

I tried to forget about you but all I could remember is you

I figured I would be alright but right now, I'm not

Denial seemed like a good option but honestly, I'm breaking down

'If only' would do nothing to make me feel better, I just want you

I want to hold you tight and tell you how lonely I've become

I'd cease the day to have one moment just to be with you

Petit Petit Petit

Paris continues its ability to inspire me. This charming city poses different characters and the particular area I was in at that time made me go through a roller coaster of emotions.

I was in Bastille. Beautiful Bastille.

Petit Petit Petit (Small Small Small)

Your ignorance can somewhat be beautiful at times.

The smell of grass, the pale sight of you

I bat my eyelashes for you one last time

You looked away and ran to the last train to Bastille

Your back is solid, like a foundation for heaven's walls

My love, you're chewing my heart away

There is nothing left of me but tears of pain

Still you walked towards the rusty smell of metal