Run Faster!

I have long forgotten the amazing therapy running can give me. It has officially been months since I've actually been on an evening run after work. This evening I took the initiative to taste the night air and let the wind chill blow my cheeks. Oh boy, did it feel liberating!!! Not only did I feel the need to run off my massive dinner and dessert but I felt that it got rid of all the headache I've been dealing with at work, all the pain I've had to endure, well basically it re-energized me and I came home tired but I felt like I've competed and won 2nd place. Not 1st place as traces of bad memories and heartache trailed behind which forced me to run faster, and at times I feel defeated so I'll let my bad memories take 1st place!

You cannot catch me so quickly, I've prepared myself this time
84 days of pain you caused comes trailing behind me, not far behind
I feel tired, not once did I look back, my heart beats faster, my hands are cold
It's amazing how darkness wants to take my spot, but I can run faster!

Adele - Don't You Remember (Live at Largo)

Beautiful song by the talented Adele.
Her lyrics are hauntingly beautiful.

"Don't You Remember"

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,

But I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,

Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When will I see you again?

In pursuit of happiness

Recent events have inspired me to write about how far a person is willing to go in pursuit of happiness.

Changes are inevitable in life, may that be with our surroundings or simply with ourselves.

What we found a sense of fulfillment 2 years ago may not be the case today. A job we might have found challenging 1 year ago may no longer be challenging. A partner in a relationship whom we seek comfort in 6 months ago may no longer be able to provide a sense of belongingness or comfort.

So, how do we react to these changes in life? In a variety of ways! Some are proactive, some reactive and some just bury it as changing means taking a risk which of course comes with the 'unknown' and some people fear of the 'unknown' more so than others and rather not take the leap to change. Whichever suits really..

Anyhow, I won't go into detail as to what being proactive and reactive looklike, I simply want to share a writing about a person's journey in discovering happiness and how each move the person makes affects the person surrounding him/her without the person even realizing the total effect of it.

I've acquired the taste of silence in my bed

All these sleepless nights I beg for answers

I said I control colors but I can't control red

All my days still cannot provide me answers

Why is she in tears? Who is there to blame?

Mother, Father, please don't look at me that way

Tell me am I supposed to kneel down in shame?

Mother, Father, do be kind and show me the way

I just want to keep on walking, I just want to try

She keeps following my steps so I decided to run

I want to keep my distance so I can say goodbye

She keeps on weeping so I whispered "I'm done"

Guilt stabs my heart with sadness and I let it win

Someone steal daylight from me it has done me harm

Everyone deserves a chance, so please let me win

Another smile, another shot of being a selfish charm

I want to pretend

He showed up with dirty hands and a half assed grin

I wanted to tell him that a bit of sunlight wouldn't hurt

How dare he spell out L O V E when my heart is aching

My wishes usually come true but no, not this time around

I long for his tender touch, my God I want this to go away!

Traces of him don't belong, yet I can't seem to scrub if off

I told him to go away and return when I am no longer here

My heart wants to escape but I'm stuck missing him terribly

I closed my eyes but he is still standing on the corner of my eye

I asked him to leave me be but I lied and want him here with me

I pushed him away, his face disgusts me but why am I unable to cope

I want to go, I want to leave, I want to pretend that I can let him go

His hands slipped away

He whispers hope and desire to my ears.

I pulled him close so I could share his dreams.

The tingling inside my stomach bursted into tears.

I guess reality is nothing like what it seems.

He took me higher and I never looked down.

We walked hand in hand and the road was so long.

Rest assured he would never let me frown.

It felt so good, It felt so right, but it was so wrong.

He touched my soul and his smile was my home.

I could make it through each night by hearing his voice.

I would follow his footsteps all the way to Rome.

His hands slipped away, but it could have been my choice.

The Water, Sun and Sand.

This is a short story I made while I was thinking about my trip to Spain. I decided to take a train to San Sebastian and check out the beach on my own. It was beautiful. It was a perfect day. I soaked up the sun and got pretty dark. I was proud of myself!

The story is between a girl and her lover.

I didn't see him come towards me, but there he stood tall. He took me by the hand and together we made our way to beautiful San Sebastian. We soaked our feet in the warm water. His touch was gentle. My God such a pretty view. I looked at him as if we were to part tomorrow. No look of sadness in his eyes, simply a loving gaze to the future.

The water was still, my heart was beating fast, he held my hand tight, sweat dripping down his forehead. Perfect timing for a sangria I thought. How cliché. The dark man holding a sangria jug all morning is about to make another sale. So we sat, drinking sangria. Staring at the picture perfect view of the sun, sand and water. How they all complement each other.

Do I complement him? Does he think I'm the sand? Ahh...I hope not. He could live without sand. But he can't possibly live without water. Then again he can't live without the sun either.

What am I to him?

I sat. I drank a little bit more.

I kept thinking.

My head is spinning just a little bit.

I think the sangria man put just a tad too much red wine.

Water or Sun?

Does it matter? He needs both in his life. Could I possibly mean so much to him that I am both the sun and water.

He finished his sangria. He is a big man. I'm pretty sure he finished it awhile ago.

Should I ask him if he thinks I'm the water or sun? or errr...sand?

He stood up. He said the sun was too bright and hot he will go for a swim to cool off. He took his top off and asked if I wanted to join. Lucky I've got my bikini underneath. He carried me so I didn't have to walk on hot sand.

I couldn't take it any longer. I had to ask him. So I did.

He said "You are my sun, you bring me warmth with your smile, hugs and kisses, you are my water, you calm me down whenever I feel down or when I'm having a bad day, and most importantly you are my sand. Nobody really cares about sand, they stick on you and you carry them all the way home and it takes forever to get rid of it, but to me, it's like all those little things you do, your little habits, the ones you don't even remember doing, like how you constantly repeat yourself when you're telling a story, how you complain about your hair every second day. Those tiny things make you who you are, they actually make me laugh thinking about how naive you can be sometimes, they're so petty yet I can't forget about them.

but I love that about you. You are my sand. Even after we leave San Sebastian, I will still carry some sand, much like I will carry this moment with you and your silly question."

There was my answer.

Baby, Honey, Darling

I couldn't cry last night. I really wanted to but my eyes had no spare tears to make me feel better.

Not even a drop of tear. I closed my eyes really hard and tried to squeeze the tears out.

I had to be satisfied with a blank stare. An empty stare. A foolish heart. Once again I let my heart take a beating, and boy was it a tough one. But now I've found my place. and it is not with him. Yet this is a lonely dedication to him.

Baby, you and I look great together. Your hug is perfect for this miserable weather.

Out of all the people, I secretly hoped it would be you, who would take the lead and together we can conquer the world.

You smiled, I looked deep into your eyes, and there it is, paradise. Built just for us. When you took me by the hand, that's when I surrendered everything of me to you.

Honey, when you let go of my hand and went the other way, I closed my eyes and ran for cover.

I waited for your return but you never did, so I said hello to darkness and goodbye to sunshine.

It happened so quick, you came, built me shelter and you burned it down before I could even rest my tired eyes.

Darling, I am too tired to lift my head up. I just want to sit here and hold the nothingness that once was something. You changed your tune so I pressed mute. My whole life stopped. I thought you loved me. I really did. And my heart will eventually learn to forget how you loved me.

Blinded by what they call crystals

Reading my past writings, it is safe to assume I am such a depressing person! but I'm NOT! for some reason pain is much more easier to describe in words than joy.

My joy is shared with my family and friends, leaving no room for me to write.

My pain haunts me, as AFI wrote in their song "This time imperfect", pain really "cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams".

Just when I think I've experienced enough heartbreaks, another one comes along, yet it doesn't mean I've given up on HOPE. I'm positive I'm coming closer to meeting the one after all these trials and errors!! Then again sometimes I think to myself, "Why does having someone really matter?" well the answer to me is simple. I want to love and be loved. And I do believe having the right person for me will make MY life complete. Nobody else, but MY life. Some people don't feel the need to have somebody, some people might find company can suffocate or hinder them for achieving their personal/professional goals in life.

For me, I simply feel that I am ready to commit and give everything I can for someone I absolutely care about. I like the idea of spoiling someone and of course I love being spoiled too!!! I know they say don't look for love, but if I don't look that means I'm not trying to get what I want. Hmm...

Anyway, I'll stop ranting and sing along to AFI for now.

"This time imperfect" is one of my all time favorite AFI songs, the full lyrics go:

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay,
Forever haunted, more than afraid,
Asphyxiate on words I would say,
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue,

There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me,


I cannot stay here, I cannot leave,
Just like all I loved, I'm make-believe,
Imagined heart, I disappear,
Seems...no one will appear here and make me real,

There are no flowers, no, not this time,
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this hurts me,

I'd tell you how it haunts me,
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams)
I'd tell you that it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams)
You don't care that it haunts me,

Oh!
There are no flowers, no, not this time,
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this hurts me,
Just how much this hurts me,
Just how much you...

Let's drink to pain!

Just like the majority of people I know, I have experienced numerous counts of heartbreaks and met gazillion dickheads who caused me grief.

I seem to have had my fair share of colorful men who have done enough damage for me to write about it.

It used to really affect me. I used to always wonder "Why me? Why do I have to meet all these assholes? What did I do wrong to deserve this? I've been nothing but nice!"

Why, What, How????

I DON'T KNOW AND NOBODY KNOWS EITHER!!!

there was my answer.

You don't belong in my brain

I started writing this about a week ago, all of a sudden flashbacks of my past came back to haunt. I guess my mind hasn't been occupied with work lately so for some stupid reason my brain decides to check back on my past to stimulate my mind. It ended in tears.

I have grown up, but I am still trying to forget. I thought I have forgotten.

This one is called

"You don't belong in my brain"

You stabbed my heart to prove a point.

I validated my pain through endless tears.

You gave me enough paper to roll a joint.

I'm ailing and carrying a bag full of fears.

I made it through another night hating you.

Oh how I want to get rid of the memories of us.

I must say I despise myself for missing you.

Oh how you hurt me and betrayed my trust.

This darkness will eventually go away they say.

Your scent, your flesh, your face needs to leave me.

Nonetheless I am writing about you, much to my dismay.

The ending is present, yet the past just won't set me free.

I am gone

It has been such a long time since I've been inspired to write, this is mainly due to the fact I've taken a new job and decided to ditch my usual 'scribble on a piece of paper' habit.

Finally, my brain has finally switched off work mode and switched on inspired mode.

Many past experiences of mine have made me Oh so sensitive and moody (I was also told that my mood swing is due to a Full Moon hovering over Melbourne in the last few days).

Isn't it just lovely playing the blame game?

"I'm moody cause i've got my period" is a classic blame game example. Yeah blame your hormones. I'm with ya! stupid cow.

I will dabble on my past experiences another time, it is past midnight now..I really should try to get some sleep...haven't had a 5 hour sleep in ages, let alone a proper sleep!

This writing is called 'I am gone' and it was written about 10 minutes ago. I was just thinking about moving on from my past relationships and guys I dated, and how deep down, I want to know if they still keep a bit of me with me as I do with them.

I want to know if I actually meant something to them or if I was just another forgettable girl.

Oh yes I think wayyy too much!!!

"I am gone"

I tried so hard to let memories of you slip away

yet you, and the stupid beautiful things you did kept crawling back

So I bang my head to the wall and let it bruise

At least it distracts me from thinking about you too much

Well aren't you lucky for having a prime time slot in my brain

It pains me to know you have moved on, no i'm not bitter

I guess you were stronger or perhaps you just never gave a damn

Wonder if thoughts of me cross your mind every now and then

I couldn't give you what you wanted, that much I know

At least we had some great moments, didn't we?

Well I am the one second guessing our relationship

It pains me to learn you found someone else, no i'm not bitter

The National - Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks live @ Palais Theatre, Melbourne

Runaway - The National

The lyrics to "Runaway" by the National, taken from their album "High Violet".

this song is hauntingly beautiful.

Enjoy!!

There's no savin' anything
Now we're swallowin' the shine of the sun
There's no savin' anything
From the shine of the sun

But I won't be no runaway
Cause I won't run
No I won't be no runaway

What makes you think I’m enjoyin' being led to the flood
We got another thing comin' undone
That’s taking us over

We don't bleed when we don't fight
Go ahead go ahead
Throw your arms in the air tonight
We don't bleed when we don't fight
Go ahead go ahead
Throw your shirts in the fire tonight

What makes you think I’m enjoying being led to the flood
We got another thing comin' undone


But I won't be no runaway
Cause I won't run
No I won't be no runaway
Cause I won't run
No I won't be no runaway

what makes you think I’m enjoyin' being led to the flood
We got another thing comin' undone
That’s taking forever

We don't bleed when we don't fight
go ahead go ahead
Throw your arms in the air tonight
we don't bleed when we don't fight
Go ahead go ahead
There’s our shirts in the fire tonight

what makes you think I'm enjoying being led to the flood
we got another thing comin' undone
we got another thing comin' undone
That’s taking us over

I'll go bravin' anything
With you swallowin' the shine of the sun
I'll go bravin' everything
With you swallowin' the shine
But I won't be no runaway
Cause I won't run
No I won't be no runaway
Cause I won't run
No I won't be no runaway

What makes you think I’m enjoying being led to the flood
We got another thing comin' undone
They’ve taken us over
We don't bleed when we don't fight
go ahead go ahead
Throw your arms in the air tonight
We don't bleed when we don't fight
Go ahead go ahead
Lose our shirts in the fire

What makes you think I’m enjoying being led to the flood
We got another thing comin undone
We got another thing comin' undone
That’s taking us over
That’s taking forever

Blank Stare..

I waited in the dark, damp corner upon your arrival.

Your breath is harder, your grip is tighter.

All she wanted was to be the soul survival.

Once again, you smirked, you really are a fighter.

One more blow, this time you aimed for her lips.

I saw her swallow her thick, warm blood.

Sweat drips as you enjoy staring at her bruised hips.

I swear I wish her tears would turn into flood.

The writing above is a vision I had this afternoon when I took a power nap.

Don't ask.

I woke up with a blank stare.

I woke up in sweat.

I was dripping in anger and frustration.

Say no to domestic violence.

Say no to cruelty.

Say yes to a daily smile.

Thunder!!

How quickly does life turn a frown into a freakishly wide smile..

Well.. I have gone from sadder than sad to double happiness!

I guess it's true everything happens for a reason..

"a dickhead is there to screw me over then the next twat comes and fuck my life over for the next cheating lying son of a hoebag to double fuck me over until well hello decent bloke, I haven't had you for awhile..this is awkward...but hey, it's a change, a nice one I may add!

So, the emotions running through my head and so-called heart go something like this...

I press fast forward to a brand new life

My God! how dare he lie and be so mean

Correct me if I'm wrong, that is his wife

No traces of sin, I thought he was clean

Once again, my heart is subject to change

He came along with magic in his pocket

I giggle every now and then I must be strange

Now I have something to keep in the locket

Poison Envy

Disappointed is how I'm feeling right now, I am disappointed with myself. I should have trusted my gut feeling. If there's one thing I learned, I learned to have faith in myself and what I think is right.

Lesson definitely learned. Good luck to me. Goodbye to you. fucker.

Bitter. My tongue is pale and thin.

Wrap me in sugar. Oh sweet taste of sin.

A smirk. I break. I bend. I fall for you.

A tear. I weep. I beg. I lied for you.

Poison. A mouthful of lies, a drop of shame.

Defeated. Truly a remarkable game.

A thief. A happy disguise. I was astray.

A fool. A naive being. I walked away.

Alone, Bright, Shout!

I can only hope my faith in life will bring me good, so I say carpe diem!

I will never stop believing, I scream for pure love, I will capture illusions along the way..

I let my fake eyelashes wear off this time, and continue to be alone in this bright world, where I can only continue to shout for happiness!

There is nothing left of me, black holes and chapped lips

Spare me the lies..I beg on my knees every silent night, I cry

The heartbreak, I am misfortune he said, No! I held my head up high

Clouds escape me, there is no God but God, Carpe diem!

The future might be alone, I will shout! bright lights ahead

12:57am

It's 12:57am

sipping a cup of latte

do you find me dreadful?

It's 12:58am

under the blanket

am I useable?

It's hunting time

he said, chop it up, cover your face

I remember, cut it up

Famous Quotations

Words..how strong and weak they make me..mere words sewn together to create purpose, sometimes deliberate other times serve as thoughts dripped out loud.

I decided to go and hunt for strong quotes by famous people that influenced and moved so many people and helped change the world.

The one man in our living society whom I believe chooses his words carefully and beautifully is no other than Barack Obama. He has the gift of captivating his listeners.

I am yet to collect his moving speeches.

My current favorites include:

But fight we must; and conquer we shall; in the end. -Abraham Lincoln- US President

"And what about the cash, my existence's jewel?" -Charles Dickens- British Novelist

The omnipotence of evil has never resulted in anything but fruitless efforts. Our thoughts always escape from whoever tries to smother them. -Victor Hugo- French poet, novelist, playwright, essayist

What is it men in women do require?
The lineaments of Gratified Desire.
What is it women do in men require?
The lineaments of Gratified Desire.

-William Blake- British poet, painter, engraver

Raphael - Caravane (Vidéo)