Night of Hope

I can't sleep tonight. Once again thoughts of him ache my head,bound by a desire to be with him, I tried to close my eyes but I am unable to think of anything else. It's like I'm being possessed by him. He truly captivated me and I am drawn to this deep mysterious well. No hope but possibility.

Like Dirty Vegas famously sang "days go by and still I think of you", that is exactly how I feel. There hasn't been a day where I have stopped thinking about him.

There is no hope. No nothing. But lingering memories that won't seem to fade away. With each passing day, the pain slowly goes away but the fact remains he is slowly letting me go as I am slowly letting him go. It hurts. I miss him, like everyday.

I usually love days off but these days I hate it as I have to find something to occupy my mind so that I don't have to think about him. A month has past by now, I'm sure I can get through it, eventually. I just need to have a positive attitude so that I can have a positive vibe to send out to the universe. No guy wants a mellow girl. I need the old ME back!

Tomorrow night will be the same thing, I won't be able to sleep as I will spend my thoughts on him and how I never wanted to lose him but whatever we do, we were never going to be able to make it together because he never fought for me. He never thought I was good enough to be with him. He was never sure of me and my love for him. His doubt became my doubt and I was already gone before I left.

His presence won't leave me alone or perhaps I choose to dwell on it. I don't know. All I know is I deserve better. I deserve someone who has faith in me and will be proud of having me. I can't wait for that day to happen. I will make the one I love a very happy man.

Baby, these streets are dark tonight but I've got your hand to hold onto

It amuses you how I can't see at night but tonight I've gotta say it's bright

You led the way, step by step, with each footstep you take I follow your lead

Baby, we have come a long way, I've got a feeling tonight will be magical

Love Never Dies

Fresh from watching Andrew Llyod Webber's "Love Never Dies" at the Regent Theatre courtesy of my bestfriend as a surprise present to celebrate I finally landed my dream job. Such a lovely thing to do, I will re-pay her with another surprise although I find it extremely difficult to top what she has given me, and I also believe it would be hard for any guy taking me out on a surprise date to top my bestfriend, I guess that's why she's my bestfriend! Haha! If only she has a penis and a broader chest we would make beautiful Eurasian babies!

Anyway, since I'm in the mood of dwelling on songs and the meaning behind their lyrics to me I've decided to post lyrics from the song 'Love Never Dies'. Sad tale of love that was lost but re-united again after such a long period of time, and even though both lives have changed, new chapters started, old chapters buried, yet their true love never dies, it lives on.

Do I believe in that? Yes I do. I believe that no matter what happens or no matter how faraway one can be, the heart will still beat faster for the one you love. Every single time you think of the person, you can't deny your true feelings. Time can't erase beautiful memories or even painful events.

This song makes me weep. Makes me happy. Makes me hopeful.

 

Who knows when love begins?
Who knows what makes it start?
One day it's simply there, a life inside your heart
It slips into your thoughts
It infiltrates your soul
It takes you by surprise, then siezes full control

Try to deny it, and try to protest
But love won't let you go, once you've been posessed

Love never dies, love never falters
Once it has spoken, love is yours
Love never fades, love never alters
Hearts may get broken, love endures
Hearts may get broken, love endures

And soon as you submit
Surrender flesh and bone
That love takes on a life much bigger than your own
It uses you at whim
And drives you to despair
And forces you to feel more joy than you can bear

Love gives you pleasure and love brings you pain
And yet, when both are gone, love will still remain

Love never dies, love never falters
Once it has spoken, love is yours
Love never fades, love never alters
Life may be fleeting

Love never dies, love will continue
Love keeps on beating when you're gone
Love never dies, once it is in you
Life may be fleeting, love lives on
Life may be fleeting, love lives on

 

 

Songs, Lyrics and Memories Pt 2

My head is so full of ideas today I just want to spill them all as I know as of next week I will be busy working my ass off and won't probably jump on this for awhile. I want to re-visit my writing about songs that hold so much memory and that everytime I hear it, it gives me chills.

This song was dedicated to me back in 2006 on my trip back home to Indonesia, I was away for a month. I was never used to not hearing from him for more than a day so I have to admit it was difficult to be away from him.

We would still call each other almost every night, yet the more I speak to him for some reason the more angry I've become. I guess I was just frustrated for not being able to be with him and I felt as though he was coping fine without me. My insecurity got the better of me. It was until he played a song to me over the phone and expressed how he really felt being without me.

He played Fort Minor's "Where'd You Go". I was speechless. He was much more miserable than I was.

He was so passionately in love with me and I was petrified by it.

D.D.D this one is for you. I remember he asked me (after things ended) how I could just be so cold towards him and leave him cold turkey, he said I left him to suffer for a whole year before I even wanted to speak to him again, and how I wouldn't return his calls,msgs and emails. He never understood how I was able to do that to him. Truth is, I don't even know but I just did. I switched off and marched on. Without him.

We tried to be friends afterwards in 2008 or at least I tried by pouring my heart about another guy I was seeing, it was unbearable for him, but he thought he could stick it out so I would eventually see that he was the one for me, he always wanted more and I could never give him more. Once again, I had a love so precious yet I could never give him the love he deserves. It was another case of not the right love for me. He has met his true love now and I am extremely happy for him.

I thank him for all his lovely memories, there wasn't a day where I didn't feel loved by him. Was I foolish for letting him go? No. I was thankful to have him be a part of my rainbow life. I hope he knows I still have his painting and it decorates my apartment just like his love decorates my heart.

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, and I'm plannin' to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...

Take me to a happy place

It's officially been 2 years since I took off on my European adventure. Now I've got a new job and I've set myself a new goal. I am going to travel again in 2013. I remember being so motivated working because I was working towards something exciting. As I plan to conquer South America roughly in May/June this will give me roughly 18 months to save up. Definitely something that is achievable!

I want to go to many happy places again.

I want to go on an adventure. Another journey. Another culture. Another country I will fall in love with.

I remember sitting and enjoying the view from Graca Alfama in Lisbon, Portugal. It was magical. I felt like the luckiest person on earth. Just to sit there, on my own, hugged by the warmth of trees. It was my version of heaven. I want to be happy again.

Songs, Lyrics and Memories Pt 1

Music has always been a massive part of my life. I can honestly say I will die without music.

I was just laying on my bed when I remembered an old song, way back like either in 1999 or 2000. The song was by Vertical Horizon called "Best I Ever Had".

This song was given to me after I broke up with my xbf (in such a cruel manner I must add). Looking back, I don't know how I was able to be so mean and heartless, all I know is that now I'm paying the price for it. Karma really is a bitch.

I realized that back in the day, I used to be so mean to the people who loved me dearly, I don't know why I do that, I guess I take them for granted, I guess I can never understand why they keep taking a beating from my cruel words/acts. I keep taking their kindness for a ride!

One thing I do know for sure is that I could never love them the way they loved me. It pains me to admit it and I can say this because I have experienced it myself, where I was much more in love with the other person than he was with me. Or maybe it wasn't that, maybe it was simply I didn't love him the way he wanted me to, and you cannot argue with chemistry, it's either you have it or you lack it.

Now I have stopped doing that. Once I start dating a guy and I realized he was more into me than I was into him I let him go. He deserves someone who can give him the same kind of love. I hope one day I can find the one who loves me just as much as I do for him. That will create a beautiful relationship. We wouldn't need to seek elsewhere because we have each other and that is plenty!

I keep getting distracted, back to my point about the song "Best I Ever Had" by Vertical Horizon, my xbf said to me "Think of me when you listen to this song, I love you."

He wouldn't speak or see me after that. Who would have thought young love could be so painful to bear?

I just want to write down the sad lyrics:

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring


Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now


[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had


So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely


Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better


[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had


And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right


So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring


What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted


[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever

Sunday 5:12pm

Just one week ago I had my heart torn apart with lies.
Today I am empty,I am sadness but I am not broken.
5:12pm lying in my bed,looking out my window and I see a glimpse of hope.
My eyes are tired,my head is heavy with thoughts of him,thoughts of us and thoughts of my journey so far. It hasn't been an easy ride. Then again, would I like a smooth sailing life? I can't say, haven't had one!

He is gone. I have left. The room is empty but I can hear echoes of pain.
No more joy to fill up. I think love is madness! Pure lust is evil! It crawls underneath my skin and I am unable to resist. Go on,says the voice in my head.

His face is slowly fading away, I remember his chest,broad and warm. I loved resting my tiny body to steal the warmth. It's cold now, I should get going. I need to find something or someone else to keep me warm much longer.

Excuse me, you dropped my heart

I haven't taken the time to sit here and write. I guess I haven't had much "me" time. But I have been collecting thoughts, words and memories in my brain. I just hope I have enough memory space and be able to put the pieces back together so I can write them down properly.



The one vivid thought I had which kept re-occuring this morning (on my way to work, even at work!) was a vision of a man who ran towards me, stabbed my chest, just enough so he can stick his hand inside and ripped my heart out and ran with it. He ran so fast, yet I can see him holding my heart clearly, it was red, brutal red, and it slipped out of his hand. My heart fell down to the pavement but he kept on running, he mustn't have realized! I just watched my heart from a distance, still pumping. Refusing to give up. That was my heart.

What a vision. It reminded me of Anne Rice's novel "Queen of the damned" where Queen Akasha would viciously rip open a human's heart and just hold it in her hand for the sake of it. She would let the beating heart rest on her hand. She loves the idea of it. Sick, lonely vampire. She would chew it up eventually, I don't think she enjoyed the taste of it much, it was simply the satisfaction of being able to control humans lives. She was in control. She dominated those poor humans. Ok, enough Anne Rice talk. I can go for hours.

I don't know why I had the vision. All I can gather is that my heart has taken a beating yet I refuse to give in to desperation and surrender to heartache. Life really is how I make it. I choose to surrender to misery and drown in a pool of sadness and drama I exaggerated in my head. Now I say NO! I choose HAPPINESS. I choose to take the path to success and kick off my bad habit of relying on something/someone to try to be happy. I am a drama queen. But it is time to grow up.

This is a writing I wrote when I was listening to Kanye West & Jay Z's song "No Church in the Wild"

My tears washed my face clean but my hands are still dirty

I wanted to get rid of the fear of being alone, how I was addicted to pain

He didn't need to bring his shadow, it only brought me doubt and sorrow

I wish I could untangle the mess, but everytime I tried, I failed again and again

I refused to believe I was unable to work it out, ah to hell with it

I let my mind wander to a happy state, and there it lies, in the back of my head

Brad, my hope, my escape travel. I like pressing rewind but I end up in circles

This is a vicious cycle. I'm bestfriends with imagination and fairytales

The end could not have been furthest from the truth I am about to spill

A new white piece of paper has been laid out and I have all the crayons

I'm hungry for the new feeling of desire, my lover, I will draw love hearts

I carry all the colors, I promise myself to carve your name in hot pink