Confusion. Decision.

Oh yes I'm back to my old habits... It only took me over a year to revisit this very sad blog.  I used to love writing so much. I wonder why I never feel like I have time to write.  Gone are the good ol' days where I would just drive to nowhere.  Take my notebook and pen out and just start writing.  Anyway I'm writing now!

I am confused.  I am sad.  I am happy.  I am undecided.  Most of the time I want the world to swallow my problem.  I need to decide. Soon.  For my own sanity.  For my life.

Jake Bugg - Someone Told Me (Acoustic)

"Broke my heart when I knew, that I could never be with you"

Next chapter in life will unfold..

Oh boy..every single time I say I will dedicate time to write well, guess what? I lied! I haven't found time to even find myself let alone writing..

I'm at a point in life where sadly work no longer brings me joy or a sense of accomplishment, instead it brings misery and self-doubt.
I am doing something about it, I am trying my hardest to change. The moment I realized that my job no longer brings satisfaction when I come home then it is time for me to leave.
I am one of those people who need to be inspired to continue but for the last 4 months all I'm feeling is a lack of confidence and a sense of failure. This is mainly due to a lack of direction from management and other people wanting to put their two cents in everything, like EVERYTHING!!

When work becomes my whole life then that's where I need to hit the brakes and reassess what exactly do I want out of life? A work life balance and a sense of achievement.  I've always been that way and nothing will stop me!

Toxic and negative people can try all they want to destroy me but guess what??? There will come a time where you will get what you deserve...#justsayin
#JusticeintheWorkplace

I no doubt will find the next challenge in life. Cheers to that!

Tonight I thought of the past

Tonight is the first night in a very long time did my mind wander off and found its way to the past.
The painful past. The ache. The tears. I don't know why.
But I am happy now. Happier so I should say.
This city wraps me with loneliness. Nowhere to go. Nobody to talk to.
Sad.
Pathetic.
Boo Hoo Hoo.

I should never have listened to Beyoncé!!!

Hurts - Guilt (lyrics)

I am happy now. Thank you.

It's almost been a year since I've posted

Hello...

It's almost been a year since I visited this page.

How time flies...well it's a new beginning for me, a very exciting one I must add!
will continue this when it's not 1:50am.

One thing I will say is that I miss loving somebody...that is all for now.

Tangled

Life has a strange way of teaching me to grow up. Mom has always said to me "You are my daughter who unfortunately has to hit rock bottom first before bouncing back up strong" . I obviously don't do things half-assed. Never have and never will.

My job is a perfect example. I am passionate about what I do and I am ambitious. I never dreamed of being a housewife. Never underestimate the power of a woman!

Haunting lyrics

I want to share the video and lyrics to one of my favorite Indonesian bands called "Peterpan". This song is about a disappointed man over his cheating girlfriend. He wants to watch her suffer. Don't we all if we have a cheating partner?

I didn't translate these myself, I have http://peterpan.awardspace.com/ to thank for the lyrics.

Behind me

You embrace me before you kill me

You smile as you watch me watching you

You're waiting for me to fall

Each step is aimed, faithful in my contemplation

I'm (waiting for you) x3 to die

In front of me, in front of me, in front of me

You embrace me before you kill me

You smile as you watch me watching you

I'm (waiting for you) x3 to die

In front of me, in front of me, in front of me

What are you doing behind my back

Why don't you show me

What are you doing behind my back

Behind my back 3x

Behind my back

I'm (waiting for you) x3 to die

In front of me, in front of me, in front of me

The actual lyrics to the song

Di Belakangku

Kau peluk aku sebelum membunuhku

Tersenyum melihatku merenung melihatmu

Kau menungguku menunggu ku terjatuh

Setiap langkah tertuju setia dalam renungku

Aku menunggumu menunggumu menunggumu mati

Didepanku didepanku didepanku

Kau peluk aku sebelum membunuhku

Tersenyum melihatku merenung melihatmu

Aku menunggumu menunggumu menunggumu mati

Didepanku didepanku didepanku

Apa yang kau lakukan dibelakangku

Mengapa tak kau tunjukkan dihadapanku

Apa yang kau lakukan dibelakangku

Dibelakangku dibelakangku dibelakangku?.

Dibelakangku

Aku menunggumu menunggumu menunggumu mati

Didepanku didepanku didepanku

I remain alone

Once again I'm back to square one. To me, being alone is the most comfortable place I have ever been. I can't say it's the most enjoyable place but it is safe to say it is the place where I am able to excel, able to focus and able to achieve SOME of my goals in life. Can I say I'm ambitious? Most definitely.

I won't go without a fight, unless of course I enter a battle I cannot possibly win, but then again, who can predict the outcome? I, for one, have famously failed over and over again. What I have yet to lose is my spirit to fight.

What am I talking about? I'm talking about life. My life, to be specific. My life consist of mainly heartaches and despair lately. Then again, my life also consist of the joy of being a winner in other aspects, such as the successes I've achieved in my job, the great relationships I've built with my peers, not to mention the fact I am officially a proud owner of an apartment. Free of mortgage. Yes, I am officially a free person!

Then again, what is it about a broken heart that consumes almost entirely my thoughts? It runs deep into my veins and I fall helplessly in tears wondering what it is I must do to conquer my hungry thirst for love. Truth is, I don't even know how to conquer love and this makes an interesting and impossible challenge. Numerous methods have been tried and tested, but the result remains the same.

I remain alone. I must admit, there are times where I am envious of those committed in a loving relationship and secretly wishing I had someone I can call my partner.

I have gone through various ways to deal with my heartaches. First comes the tears, then comes the self blame...a few short moments later comes self-pity. Ahhh...good ol' self-pity. This is not good for the soul. It eats you alive in your dreams. Trust me, I've gone through it sooo many times. I cry myself to sleep thinking why I'm not sufficient for a man. For most of it, I blame my personality, such as perhaps I'm not wifey material. Perhaps the fact I am unable to cook is the sole reason I am unable to sustain a man in my life. Foolish, when I look back now.

The other ways I've tried to deal with my heartaches is to fight back, or pretend to fight back I shall say. Who am I kidding? the dude's gone. He won't actually care if I've had my hair colored 2 shades lighter!

He most definitely won't care if I've done 100 squats a day and now have buns of steel.

I didn't win his heart, did I? NO! So...the fight doesn't last long..I tend to fall back to my trusty pillow and weep. Oh tears, what would I do without you?

Now I succumb to my heartaches and pray that time will sweep them all away. They do vanish..eventually. It's just a battle between my brain to stay as functional as possible at work and amongst my friends and my heart to stay where it belongs and accept the fact that I am yet to conquer love. Yes, til then I remain alone.

In a crowd..I remain alone